Later the same day
Have I already mentioned that I loved them talking to us? Proper MCing? Yes, they did. More than "Germany!"/"Deutschlaaand"/or "yeah, yea-heah!", "Three, two, one" in Ride and that... 'are you ready' in Japanese which I don't dare writing down now because I don't know it...（恥）Ummm... "iketeroukai"? sounds like it anywaysh (^^;) Hulp! XD
れいた wasn't talking that little during Ride with the Rockers, actually, hehe. It was shorter, because Kai and him had come out on stage together. [I'm just imagining all of them backstage together before the enchore, what they had said, told each other, how they had waited for us to raise our voices even more... ~I loved the fact that a lot of times it was m e who had started the enchore-shouts. *beams*~... when they decided to go back up... aahhhhhhhh...] Pluss, Kai didn't do any talking. Still, it was nicely long. (*^_^)b Hmmm... if I only could remember what he had said. Some of it was in English, and it wasn't even that bad English, hehe. Whatever he had said in Japs was very similar to what he... always? says during Ride XD The English part was somthing with "You are..." or "Are you..." or both. Parts of what Ruki said also was what he ... repeatedly says on other concerts. That 'ikederoukai' thingy XD, 'motto' and 'shindekure' (is that what he actually says? XD) and 'jumpu!' hehe. But, during the first half, he stood there and talked... and I concentrated. What I thought I could differentiate and STILL remember was something like「ドイツに。。。言葉は。。。ない。。。でも。。。ここ／心。。。」and I understood it as something like "Because most of you are German, my WORDS they won't reach you, but in our hearts, in us (he pointed), we are connected." [He might have said something very different from that, but it was that kind of sense.]
Have I mentioned that ルキ on stage... he's just SO different. So different from what he's like in interviews, PVs, backstage, in person when I met him... The way he behaves, acts out, IS on stage... it's intimidating. He's a ruler. Sovereign. Not a very gentle one. He knows what he wants, he takes what he wants, and woe you won't give him what he craves. He could kill you with one glance, one stroke, if you did anything against his will. It felt like that. Nn. ... He was furrowing his brows a lot, forhead in wrinkles, his brows twitching, eyes roaming... Mmmm.
I just asked ちび, my friend, what her first impressions were of Ruki.
"Honestly? The hair. And the skin, seemingly so perfect... no airbrushed whatsoever. And his voice." She also said that れいた様 kept turning his back to the audience, and 葵 always has such nice clothes... it's they all have, but his... 葵s... was ... his, ne. And the way he was looking into the crowd, she liked that, his smiles, the way he acted with the crowd, he's Aoi, ne, 'the most natural' she said. Then Kai, everytime she saw him, he was smiling. About れいた she said that he's very honest on stage, doing what he can do, playing what he can play. Then, ルキ, "hmmmmmmmm"... but... Uruha... she looked over at him, once, and she couldn't look over at him again. Or... when she did, when he was playing, she was like "Ohhh sheesh, he's this... shining... perfect... something" Everything else got... fadet out. She just couldn't look.
I don't know, but when she said that about Uruha. Something inside me... cringed. Because... it's... true somewhat, ne.
The headbanging... was entrancing. Round and round and round and round jump jump jump jump, putting so much energy into it all, receiving so much energy. The way I let my head circle around with the music, in sync, it's giving you such a perfect feeling. Not the way it is when I do it at home, to PVs and concerts. Live, it was... e n t r a n c i n g. Just... wow. The times before the concert, I thought that SURELY I would WANT to headbang, but probably I wouldn't be able to do it... I'd just... stare. But... I so did. Headbang. Around around around around in circle circle circle circle wow. It's just that the way the music is, in real, the way it adds up and when you circle your head in rhythm and timing, it all adds up in your head. The guitars are just PERFECTLY going around and around themselves, and when you circle your head... spin spin spin, it's ... wow.
"He's a force when he comes on stage", Danielle just said. "Real sexual tension feel."
He WAS actually doing it. Leather against skin. [hmmmmmmm XD putting it that way implies he didn't wear anything underneath it. Hehe... And with Uruha' pants being so short, there can't really be much substantial under them, she said, hehe] ルキ is there, and there's no messing around, it's REAL. Tension. Sexual. He OWNS you.
He kept pulling his black shirt down while singing, his finger to his chest, index finger hooked in its neckline, revealing more of his... flesh XD He also spit. Both facing us, and over his back. Intriguing how much water he can distribute that way over how many people. Actually now that I think back to it, I remember again what the shape of his chin and head looked like in that angle. It's as if you looked down/up him. He's very triangular. Another thing he did with water... next to that he poured it over the fans, of course, was that he put his waterbottles to his crotch and spurt the water out from there. He did it on DVDs too... Decomposition... but not that way. It was really dirty. Putting the waterbottle to his crotch, actually thrusting with it, over and over again, spurting the water as if... hmmm... as if it was precious gooey sticky Rukiseed. XXXD hehe. I enjoyed the sight. That demon 流鬼.
れいた was spinning very fast, not very gracefully, but very manly (^-^) she says.
Blimey I don't remember the song. It was during the enchore though, they wore their Tourshirts. If they played Nausea then, it might have been Nausea. Uruha jumped on top of the podestal [that was the time he was angling and raising his leg, too, I think O__o Oh blimey what a view...*shudder*] and Aoi joined in, standing there back to back *sigh*, leaning against each other, playing that song with their beautiful guitars, in sync, lost in bliss... Aoi shaking his head that way he always does, with that smile on his lips, his hand draped over the neck of his guitar, his fingers running up and down it lovingly yes I'm talking about the guitar heh. And Uruha, leaning against him, both of them supporting each other... Towards the end of their duette, Uruha lifted his left arm up and put it over Aoi's shoulder, petting him while Aoi was still playing. Aoi looked surprised for an instant, looking up, moving his head towards the hand [which was Uruha's left, that means, the side NOT facing us >_<"] then smiled even wider, before the hand pulled away again, and the next moment, they jumped down from there again, skipping and hopping to their former positions they'd held. So many positive feelings emenating from them. *sigh*
On stage... All of them are so much MORE on stage. So much bigger. It's so... incredible. Indescripable. And weird.
麗... He seemed very serious, or at least concentrated for a long time first. He really had this serious face of his... yet very beautiful face, but, nothing much else. He wasn't... very relaxed it seemed.
Hmmm well both ちび and me had made banners... I saw one other banner, but wasn't able to read what it said. She had made one that said, in Japanese "REITAsama, an Irish girl loves you" Expressing that people came over to Germany from Ireland to see him. No, the whole BAND of course just ACCIdently only mentioning him XXD. I tried holding up my banner every now and then when it seemed they might be looking, but never for long, because I didn't want to obstruct other people's view. ... A few times I was in front of some girl who kept jumping on my arms, well, hitting my arms violently down when I raised it. *hisss* I only held it up for seconds, like. No reason to get violent... Hmmmmmmm anyway. [wow... hmmms really have a soothing effect. Aoi please come and soothe me!*cough*] Hmmmmmm~ So, I tried to let them see, ne. It basically said
「ガゼット〜とても愛されて尊敬されています！ドウモ」meaning "Gazette you are totally loved and respected. Thank you." I had wanted to make a banner for them for a long time, but just couldn't express what I wanted to tell them... Dir en Grey was easy, I knew exactly what I wanted to tell them. But Gazette... "I love you!" Wow, great, of course I do, ne, but everybody would say that, it's often seen and heard... yet it is true, but there was more to it... I got inspired by something ちび had said. And whoot there it was.
So, one time, I had my banner up again, looking at Uruha while he was playing, there... It was in the beginning, somewhere after Filth, I think... so maybe the 4th or 5th song they played? I don't remember. Anyway, I held it up, and just that moment, he was looking up, he had his right side to us, looking up and seeing the banner, looking straight at it, at me, his eyes resting upon it a good while, suddenly this wide smile spread across his lips... It was... I mean I saw it. It all. It spread in an instant, but ... the corners of his mouth tilted up first, and then ... there was this beam on his face, not only his lips, his face. As soon as he smiled... I beamed back. I can't describe just how incredible happy I felt. His eyes rested on it for a bit, before they turned back to his guitar, the stage, looked back into the crowd, again, seeking out, me. I think I still had the banner up when he looked again, and I took it down after it. He kept looking me out for a while... and... the smile... it never seemed to leave his face anymore after that. He really started to communicate and interact with the fans then... Surely his facial expressions relaxed in some songs... but the feeling to it, it was relaxeder, I had the impression.
Another thing about Uruha... was... the sweat. I always wondered if they weren't WARM in their clothes. You can see Ruki sweat, in lives, you do. Aoi... hmmm he does, surely, but have I ever really noticed him sweating? Not before he used a cloth on himself, I think. Not Reita either. With Uruha, it was different. Just look at the outfit, ne. It's shiny, tight fabric.
The first hint that he was sweating I got when he whirled his head to the left side, and I saw water being catapulted from his face. Literally. Well, I didn't sit down and think about what that meant, ne, hehe, I just noticed it and arched my eyebrows innerly. ... I was a little stunned then, when I saw that already after a couple of songs... he lifted his right arm, angled it, and from his elbow there spilled water. Spilled. I am not joking. A stream of water running from his elbow. Dear Gods. I have no urge to try those outfits. Take them off, yes, but not put them on. XD It only was only because of the tight black thing he wore before the enchore. I never saw anything similar again when they had changed into their tour-shirts.
Cassis... I think 葵... he either started off too early, or made a mistake. I had been looking at ルキ or 麗, but when Aoi started again, I noticed and looked over. I only had Ruki, Reita and Aoi in my field of view, and none of them but Aoi seemed to be smiling or laughing about it. Not Ruki, he was looking out over the crowd, his abiding guitar in his hands. [He kissed its neck after Cassis... so lovingly.] Aoi had a little smile on his face though, shaking his head. Beautiful 葵. So beautiful. His lippiercing really is gone. Really really.
I was so happy about that I could see and hear Calm Envy with a NOT-faded solo... Uruha is the first one ... Aoi's Solo is the one in the end. I actually almost cried during Calm Envy. Yet I was too mesmerized, too... engrossed to do anything. As I already mentioned... I had the emotional 'breakdown' a day after the concert. Before the concert, that's when I had tears in my eyes. That was when I nearly bawled. Ohh no... they weren't only in my eyes... ... Standing there amidst all the other fans, the stage in front of me, all their instruments lined up, the microstand, the drumset, the highly visible Gazette drapery at the back of the stage... Black cloth, white 'the GazettE', ne. Suddenly, it was all so real. I turned to ちびちゃん that time, and said that I just remembered the last (and very first) time I'd been at that hall, I was standing there, awaiting Diru, and I tried imagining what it would be like having Gazette there in front of me. [I already knew they would play there, already had the tickets.] Waiting for Diru I pictured Gazette on that tiny stage. Where they would stand. How they would move around. Tried to see Aoi there, Uruha there, Ruki... THERE... Kai... behind the drums... I imagined the lighting.
And now, it all was true. AGAIN I was standing in that very same hall, more than two months later, and there WAS the Gazette drapery, and their stuff and staff, and then, eventually, Gazette. It first felt real when I saw the drapery and all. The fans shouting for Gazette over and over again, clapping the Linda rhythm when the time got close to when they might start. It was ... interesting. There were some groups distributed in the crowd who would keep the shouting going. Some back left, left, front right, maybe, and where I was. It was a very small hall, so when one did something, you could here it. And, hehe, I always shouted and clapped when others did. I was eager. I wanted them to HEAR us from backstage. And a couple of times, it was even me who had started the whole shouting and cheering. Feels good XXD It had been all quiet again, and I was like "eeehhh no way you lazy fuckers" and started shouting "GA ZE TTO GA ZE TTO", and those three or four girls around me that always kept it going, too, started straight away. Once or twice, I started some really perfect ones whee~ haha. (^__^) [Either the shouting, or the Linda clapping.] It IS fun. I actually felt a bit proud of the one thing I had caused XD It was all loud and so many participated, and all in sync and rhythm.
When they left the stage before the enchore, 葵 was the last to leave, and he raised his hand, the back to us, waving it nonchalantly with a smirk around his lips. XD
Did I mention that I, again, was REALLY nervous before the concert? Like... reallyreally. Standing there in the hall, I rubbed my hands against each other, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. Shuddering, even. I ... I never sat down. I just realized. I had been standing, on my own two feet, from 12pm to 12am... ummm... yeah... oh wow. Ummm... And... it was okay, like. I never craved to sit down. Well once, before the concert, I had my place in the crowd, and I went to the toilets, noticing that something had started to run. And I didn't care. The concert which I was bleeding at. Literally.
So... 'great'? No. The concert wasnt great. Though I didn't feel anything like after the Diru concert... oh it was different alright. But in no way... in NO way in a negative sense. No way. It wasn't just g r e a t. It was... it was that: [. . .] ... I can't express it. Love is bleeding from my heart. Filling my senses. Intoxicating me. I just can't... express it. I can only... feel.
Images keep coming back. Specific images are rare... But they are there. I will never... never forget Uruha. Never. A few days later, when I was walking to the train to get to college, it was early in the morning and pitch black. It came back to me. I was walking down that dark path, and it hit me. Fully. Fullface XD. Ummm yah. The Bannerthing. I... the way. Everything. His way. Happy. I, or well something I did, something what I did that conveyed something, it made him... happy. I made one of the men I love most on earth happy. Shite wow. I cried on my way to college. Haha. Even writing it makes me... almost cry. Hadn't it been 3.30am [me is slightly paralized from typing at that hour]
And I will never forget Ruki, the way he is on stage. Everything about him that I have already mentioned and everything that I can't put into words. I won't forget that. Etched into my mind. Formative. Burnt.
Again. All I can say, all that I remain with, is
And I could never say it too often. I could never stop. Make up another word for it, because 'thank you', no matter in which language, or with what intensity, it is not enough. It simply cannot portray what I feel. It can't. It can't.
Oh great. ... So far I've been typing all calmly, normally, but now... I just had to stop. Out of a sudden, it came back. Well, the tears did. Stinging in my eyes, running down my cheeks.
I guess that's what happens when I entangle myself with the words... and wind my soul, or whatever there is inside me, around them. Borne with tears.
This... feels like saying good-bye..?
Inng kra... tasgra uvédelor. Lenolka neshar.
Tamina ne carráir.
Nóri sorenn. ... Serrap.