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When everything turns to nothing, I'll still be there for you.
[fic] Untouchable 
13th-Jun-2011 08:44 pm
Title: Untouchable - Do you really love me
Author: outori
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Shortstory
Warnings: Not beta-read. Oh look, it's a fiction without the fan in front. Now let's see whether anyone bothers reading, heh.
Disclaimer: Not owning anyone in the story Or maybe I do, only the story.
Wordcount: Not even 970
Synopsis: As you will probably have read it before I will have come up with a good synopsis, I will make use of dear Mr Poe's words. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...
Author’s notes: There is something I have been wanting to say, so I tried to write a poem. However I failed in expressing what I feel has to be expressed. So I started to write. This what will follow, has never happened. Whether there even is an appropriate I or a You in this story, and who would be who, is left for anyone to guess, just as much as how much of it is real or not. I also sometimes write thinking of someone, so somehow this also is for ‘you’, while this is not for you. I am in there, and I am not in there. These words are not even important. Those words are, however. Now, go, and chase my words.

Do you really love me

The moon is bright tonight.
Apart from a few shreds of cloud crawling across the midnight blue drape, the sky is almost perfectly clear. So beautiful.

I smile, and tear my gaze away, looking over at the bed I know will be empty again by tomorrow morning. For now, I will enjoy the sight of your ivory body sprawled across the ruby sheets. A lovely sight. Mesmerizing, this soft sparkle, the glistening of your skin. I want to run my fingers over it, feel the warmth, retrieve the droplets from the trembling ends of your silvern hair. The thought makes me hum softly, makes me smile, yet the beckoning of flesh, the scent, your scent, is futile now. I shall not come as close again as I did just about an hour ago. As I have done for months. Not anymore. Not this night.

I take a deep breath, find the pack of cigarettes in my back pocket and retrieve one of the white sticks, put it between my still warm lips while shoving the package back to where it belongs. The nightclub kindly provided us with matches -- how I love the sound matches make when being lit. That way you can almost hear the fire come to life. Start living. Which is yet another thing that makes me smile, as I take my first drag.

“Do you really love me?”, you had asked after the climax of passion, clutching my back with your strong nails while the trembling of your body gradually subsided enough to make you able to speak, our sweat-coated bodies still pressed so tightly together, it probably would have been a wrong assumption to take us for two different beings.

I had kissed away your question.

I do love you.

I turn again and stare outside, into the silent darkness of night. White fumes drape the silver disk as I sigh softly. I wonder why you asked. Have you started to doubt my loyalty? It is of possibility for sure, however reasons lack too much in plausibility to have me believe it. Were you just trying to coax an answer from my lips? A vacuous proof of my love? Most likely. Such foolish creatures you are. Has my body not shown you enough of my love, have not my eyes told you stories of realms afar, realms your graceful feet would never be able to touch, have not the tips of my fingers engraved love’s true essence on your skin while your heart blazed in passion, has not my soulless spirit embraced your quivering limbs every moment of our sacred liaisons?

I do love you.

I have always loved you.

But it isn’t enough.

I can hear your heart screaming still. The pulsation of your veins still beats against my fingers. I can hear you.

An owl crosses the garden, dives under the light cone of a streetlamp, and disappears into beckoning blackness.

Another life destroyed.

I gently tap the window sill with a finger, seeking out the melody and song of this very room, of these past hours, then turn my head until I can make out your still form on the sheets. I will destroy you, all of you, one day.

I take another deep drag of the smouldering stem, concentrating on the sensation of the fumes filling my lungs, before I let them go. One day I will destroy every one who has ever been close to me, without any of them ever understanding. They do not understand, they never have, not even in their last moments. Neither did you, although you were the one who understood me so much more than anyone ever has done before, and wordlessly so. Sometimes it made me wonder whether you really understood. I narrow my eyes and tilt my head at a new notion -- Maybe that was why you had asked? Had you felt it coming? Something?

I remember how I told you that I will tear you apart in the end. I tell them all. Sometimes with my lips or eyes, sometimes with the beating of my heart, or in the fierce grip of a heated embrace, I tell them, and yet, they rarely listen. I know you did, you heard, but still you laughed it away. Maybe you thought you would turn out to be an exception. I knew you would not. No one ever will. One of us always will tear apart. True, I once let that be myself, and indeed I was broken, for a while. Yet in perpetuity, nothing can break me. Distress and death will nourish the destruction dispensed.That which happened, was good. Be saved, forever, and never see me again.

I smile as my eyes wander over the curves of your body. Forgive for having digressed from your ephemeral beauty.

“Do you really love me?”

I love everyone of you. My love is absolute. But my love, you cannot hold it. Every single one who tried so far, failed. It will end up destroying you. You cannot keep me. You can never keep me for more than I willingly give.

I am not for this your world.

I am not for you.

It is time. I put out the cigarette on the sill, and open the window. A last smile over my shoulder. How much my scarlet fingertips would love to touch you right now. But it shall not be.

Good-bye, my love.

I step onto the balcony the moment the room combusts, and as the flames lick at my back, I gaze up at the moon, and greet the only companion who will stay with me until I myself, too, will turn to ashes.

The night-sky is brilliant.


I wrote this about a month ago, exactly with what I put into the author's note, and the story following. I just had it lying around, then revised it, and decided I'll post it, despite it not being explicitly about some Fan-fiction pairing.

I guess this is a challenge to see whether there is anybody around who would read a non fan-fiction, hah. I don't want my fictions to lie forgotten somewhere in my laptop's insides, either, so there I went.

So just in case anyone rises up to the challenge, let me know what you think. I'm likely to fall in love with your comment. ♥

Ps: My random BGM to this was the song as listed below.


(Fan)fiction Archive

13th-Jun-2011 07:52 pm (UTC)
Wow....I admit, I teared up about the middle, had to look away for a moment, took a deep breath, and finished. For me, it was pretty painful reading this, and only because it hits so true. The wording and the imagery are absolutely gorgeous...haunting. It's the type of story that reaches into your deepest core and squeezes teasingly, just a bit, until you have to let escape a little true emotion.

The unnatainable, the powerful beauty....it's like trying to hold onto to fine grains of sands and watching it slip through your fingers too easily. I know one end of the spectrum, the one that asks the question and hopes they will be the exception, the weak end. I also know the other end in a darker sense as well. I can only tell you this is absolutely beautiful and I had to reread it twice, just to let everything seep in slowly, hoping I would catch every single word as it fell . I'd love to see you post more of your short stories -_____- I may just fall in love with them taha...unless that has already happened o__o heh heh
13th-Jun-2011 10:42 pm (UTC)
Oh wow. Thank you so much, that was a beautiful, beautiful comment. You probably have no idea what it means to me having you praise my work the way you just did, seriously. It's close to ... If I ever got published with whatever I write, and Mr Neil Gaiman personally were to say something similar about it... eheh. I'll shut up now before my secrets slip out |X

As a writer, I love that you could relate to the story. As a person and a friend, I don't *laughs a little* Being able to relate to my stories isn't always such a ... positive thing.

Seriously, thank you. I am very touched. You even had to reread it! *laughs* You, my dear, are a beautiful reader.
And I, I'm a slow writer. As in... ah, my muses are a bit slow. I haven't been writing (that includes 'finishing') very much lately. Usually I post what I write.
Which means, in your case... Gogogo read my fanfictions in the meantime! *laughs* Nn... don't fall in love with the writer behind the stories, dear~
15th-Jun-2011 01:02 pm (UTC)
I always feel the need to comment on truly great work -__- It was seriously beautiful as I said before. And what are these secrets you speak of heh heh Now you have me very curious *nudges you*

Well....we all have our demons, and our dark situations we must go through. It's just something that can't be helped. And it may not be a positive thing to relate to this particular subject, but I don't feel any regret towards it! Everything is a learning experience. I loved the rush of emotion I got from reading your work, and the sense of...I know this, I've been here...it wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me, just very intimate -____- Maybe that makes no sense taha

Of course I had to reread it. I'm obsessive when it comes to things I enjoy or feel in touch with. *blushes profusely* >___> You're a beautiful writer, and slow is good in some areas. I'm slow as well! taha It's better to feel what you're writing rather than just rushing through it and throwing it somewhere :/ I love your slow, gorgeous muses heh Well just keep in mind you have an eager reader here that will devour anything to put up o___o I WILL go ransack your fanfiction *chuckle* Bewaaaare

Is this a command? *eyebrow raise* taha

15th-Jun-2011 03:47 pm (UTC)
Haha, thank you~ You just keep flattering me. |3 My lips are sealed. Unless you can pry them open

Mmh, that's true. Dark sides... but they're just as much a part of us as everything else is. What can we truly become if we were to embrace our everything?
I feel curious about what your situation in life was that made you relate to it, but ah~ Tell me if you feel like it. A lot more things make sense to me that might usually 'make sense'. :3

Obsessive you say? And you're blushing? :3 Can you obsess over me? *innocent* Ehrm. *clears throat* Thank you so much again ~ I know right... some writers are good even though they produce a lot, but I think the greatest one probably don't write that much at all ... and throw their editors into the deepest pits of despair *laughs a little* I just personally hate when I seem to run dry... I am not truly myself when I don't write.
I'll keep that in mind.

It's an advice.
17th-Jun-2011 08:22 am (UTC)
I love falttering you and amazing work deserves flattery no? taha </> oh ho ho I think you just challenged me....*leans forward while wetting lips* hmm...</strike>

Ah...I wonder if that would be good or completely disasterous to embrace our everything? Hmm..well...there are many situations that I've gone through that could relate this. I guess the main one, I was once in love with a pure demon (or so I'm convinced) and in turn, I was a demon to someone else...in a way. I've had to do a lot of healing, and really shouldn't be labeling people as demons though lmao I posted a story sometime back "December" that spoke volumnes on that certain situation. But like I said, it's a whole mix of things that had me relating to your work.

Of course I can obsess over you heh heh >___> No innoncence required o___o

Aaah I haaate that! Some of the truly amazing writers take forever to get their work out, you're right, so frustrating...but in the end, the wait is so worth it at least!

I know exactly what you mean. I feel so much more alive and ...complete? when I'm able to freely write. Dry spells are a bitch aren't they? :/ *kicks them* I hope you're able to get more inspiration
17th-Jun-2011 08:22 am (UTC)
oh so many typos, forgive me taha I'm at work and sneaking around on the computer *evil chuckle*
13th-Jun-2011 09:44 pm (UTC)
I love it,it has something to it that attracted me and this is my 1st time reading something by you,I wrote a few short stories but well they are not like this one.

Your description was so vivid it's like I am watching a movie or maybe I am easily moved anywhos I demand an encore XD
13th-Jun-2011 10:45 pm (UTC)
Aw, thank you, dear. It was your first time? Hah. Seems you're not a virgin anymore when it comes to my stories so *laughs*

Thank you~ I'm glad you were able to see what I wrote.
Haha... I doubt there'll be an encore to this particular story, but do watch out for other of my stories, both those that have already been posted and possibly new ones.
14th-Jun-2011 08:20 am (UTC)
Ahahaa yup I can never return being the same after reading your story XDD

I have been missing alot on you for that I am deeply sorry,but I will be on the watch for more~
feel free to read mine as well I would appreciate the opinions from a fellow writer^_^
15th-Jun-2011 09:59 am (UTC)
Great piece of art. Perfect in anything.
15th-Jun-2011 03:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
16th-Jun-2011 07:18 am (UTC)
My last work for Stark Verlag were final tests in German and of course there were some interpretations to be done. Well, interpretations of texts who are so very much clear-cut that it's not hard to interpret. How boring ...

When I read your story, my first thought was "waah, that would be a perfect final test, this story really would challenge the pupils brains and phantasies!"

You should seriously think about sending this masterpiece (and I know that there are lots of others!) to an editor/publisher.
16th-Jun-2011 02:44 pm (UTC)
Well, that's what I really really want. What I've been wanting ever since I started writing fiction. That's the whole point of writing, getting it out to people, touch them, make them feel.
I just don't have a clue what I'd have to do to make it happen. I don't write novels, so I can't fill a book. And, publisher... who, where? I exceptionally write in English, so it would have to be a publisher from either Canada, the States, Oceania or Great Britain. I'm at a loss regarding the procedures to get published. I have no idea, and no connections.

Edited at 2011-06-16 02:56 pm (UTC)
17th-Jun-2011 07:28 am (UTC)
You already published - way back in 2002 ... why not try to contact this publisher again? http://www.gryphonverlag.de/html/verlag.html

I just searched the Internet and found this: http://www.bookmarket.com/newnovels.htm
Maybe this can be helpful?

Roaded on Sep 20th 2017, 11:21 am GMT.