Title: How about... I just leave?
Pairing: Ruki x Uruha, Ruki POV
Disclaimer: Not owning anyone in the story, only the story
Synopsis: Things didn't turn out the way they should have, now Ruki is considering leaving, in one way or the other.
Author’s notes: That's what happens when I think of writing a drabble. I get something with about 1000 words instead of hundred ^^" It's still a short fic though, not exactly a pleasant one, and written very spontaneously. Not beta-read. And nothing special, I'm afraid. ^^" How about I just leave?
My shaking hands clutch the cold micro. I see nothing. But I hear the voices. I hear the voices, shouting and begging and crying for an encore. I can hear them, giving their all to have us back onstage.
How much of what I think that is holding me back is real, what reasons are really left that are manacling me?
How about I just leave? I pull my shaking self so close to the micro-stand that my forehead leans against the cool metal, pulling myself close with a desperation as if it was the buoy that might keep me from drowning.
Don’t let me drown.
Silence. And still, the crowd is shouting and clapping, stomping and whistling. So different from our fans back home… Silence.
Broken by a sigh that is fluttering from my lips like a scorched butterfly.
Don’t fucking do this to me. Don’t let him fucking do this to you. Everything was grand until he took you for granted.
Everything was grand until he took me for granted. He said he’d never take me for granted. Because I was special. He said that he knows I’ve been hurt. Too much. He said he wants to be my shelter. My one escape when everything comes down around me. He said he wants to be everything I ever wanted him to be. He told me so many things.
Didn’t I already know at that time when we shared our first, sweet kiss that it wasn’t going to end
sweet. That time, when I just sat there, hanging my head for no reason at all, and you knew. You just stood there and smiled. And suddenly your hand was under my chin, your cool, soft hand, lifting it up and making me look into your hazel eyes. Gods, those eyes. I’ve never met anyone before you that could hold so much, so many emotions, in their eyes. I could gaze into them forever, and never get bored. It’s weird but… that’s just the way they are, your eyes. You smiled, then, and before I knew, those ever-pouting lips were pressed against mine, softly, grazing, tasting, so gentle. I closed my eyes, that time, and a smile crept up over the corners of my lips.
That time, I had closed my eyes for the truth, I guess.
Everything you told me. Everything you told, nothing but a crimson lie.
A sudden, clattering noise makes me open my eyes abruptly as my heart-rate goes up, fearing someone might have found me but… it’s just the micro that fell from my trembling hands. Somehow I must have shoved it out of its clamp.
I blink against the blackness before me. Silence.
I know that those voices I hear are nothing but phantoms. Phantoms that spook in my head, and my head only. We didn’t even have a live today. We will, tomorrow. We would
I sigh, and lean down to pick it up. Stare at it. Turn it in my hands. Maybe it’s broken?
Maybe tomorrow, when they get here, wondering about the little note I left them, wondering when I’ll show up… wondering why the micro that worked so well the day before suddenly was broken.
No… I won’t leave a note.
I’ll just… why can’t I just… disappear.
You told me that I was the one you cared most for. And now every little sign of affection that you show seems like… a puppet’s. Ra ra rara… And what about the little box you had left for me one night? I don’t even know why I was so excited to find it. Maybe… maybe because it was something
. I craved for anything. Just more than nothing. And then that box. I opened it and… just blackness in it. I stared, and stared, trying to make some sense out of it. You never left anything for me with a meaning not obvious. I stared, and my heart missed out a beat, and your mocking voice reverberated in the room. Though you weren’t even there.
Don’t fucking give me nothing
. Anything but nothing…
I blink lazily and turn my head to stare… at more nothingness. Why can’t it just… end.
Another trembling sigh, and I put the mic back into its stand, want to let go off it but… Somehow, my fingers won’t let go. Just somehow, I still cling to it, though I’m ready to leave, now I really feel that I am, and they cling, as if it was my life, that micro, I cling, shaking, trembling and… my eyes’ gaze drop and fall onto your beautiful Hellion’s strings. And suddenly… a smile crawls over my lips. One of those tiny, demonic smiles.
Oh, I know I haven’t been smiling for weeks. But now I am. Because… isn’t it ironic? After all… after all this time, the first and last who will make me smile is you. Because…
The numbness in my limbs disappears just like the cold the drowning man feels before he’s dying… Yes. I let go of the micro, my
micro, and walk over to your guitar. Stroke the neck, with so much affection in one single motion, it hurts. It’s agonizing, and I don’t even know why now, suddenly, after all the coldness and numbness I still can feel … love.
My knees bend and I pull her close, my hand gliding over her body as if it was yours, as if tonight was one of the sultry nights we’d shared, or sweaty bodies entangled in each other, our hands grazing each others skins, me, gazing into your eyes forever and… Slowly, my index finger runs down each of the six silver strings.
I grin humorless as I look back to the micro-stand.
My face… It’s just a mask. An imperfect mask for it’s moving too much, I… try to ignore that there seems to be something wet on my cheek as I start plucking the strings from your Hellion, slowly, solemnly, concentrating on one after the other.
Isn’t it ironic? I just got this perfect idea of how to… of how to… disappear. The only thing that has given me life, us, now becoming what will give me… What… the stand… wedged in over there… together with those lovely strings… what… rara… ra… what they’ll do… ra ra… I can… just put them together and… rara… little box with nothing but blackness inside… you’re me… you’re me… you’re.. me…
I shake the sudden dizziness off me with a nod of my head. No, I won’t leave a note.
I will just… leave.
I get up and stare down at your raped lovely black instrument. I wonder what you’ll see first. Her, or me. And what you’ll look at for longer. Her, or me.
No. I won’t even say good-bye.
My right clutches the strings as I walk back to where I’d just been, and grab the micro-stand, not caring that yet again, the mic clatters down. Who will care tomorrow anyway. You
, surely not. You never cared. Never.
Setting things up, I sing. Maybe because it’s the only thing I really can do, after all. I couldn’t keep your love… I never was able to keep anyone’s love, I guess just because you were the only one who seemed to be able to keep mine
, I thought it wouldn’t matter… nothing is worth anything but your love.
I try to fight back the tears in my eyes, knowing I can’t I give in, and sounds start to echo in the hall that would wrench a stone’s heart. Maybe, a stone’s. But it’s worth nothing if it can’t make you feel
No good-bye. It’s all done. In the end, my hands even stopped shaking. Even my feet have, as I step on the unsteady stool that actually belongs to the drum set.
I wince lightly at the feel of the strings around my neck. They feel so cold… I imagine them being your slim, gentle fingers as the stool gives in. No wonder Kai fell off it…
I will just… leave.
Thank you for reading. I don't really know what happened that yet again I wrote a fic of the kind I
don't like. I guess I blacked-out too... I'm not even sure I want to post it.
But since you made it until here, please comment, ne ^ ^Fanfiction Archive