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When everything turns to nothing, I'll still be there for you.
[Fic] Silence 
8th-Jun-2009 10:26 pm
This is somewhat closer to reality than most fictions I write, and yet it might be one of those that are farthest away from it at the same time. This does have some relation to what made me fall asleep two nights ago.
For some people, I write poems, others inspire me to write fiction. 1400 words because of a memory that never happened.

Dedicated to you.
If You happen to have any slight ideas, or a lack of those, about who that 'you' is supposed to be, I'll answer if you ask.


A calm, comfortable and subtle silence started spreading across the darkening room. The sunlight’s gentle touch had long let go of the window, leaving but the soft fragrance of summer and the warm feeling of gold on their skins.

Gradually, she dismissed the thoughts that scurried around her head, relaxed and breathed in the refreshing evening blue. Exhaling, she opened her eyes and looked on at the ceiling above her. Another moment, born by fragile eternity.

Bit by bit, with quietness wrapping around her, she was enabled to discern the sounds within that silence.

Right next to her, not even an arm’s length away, there was the gentle sound of the other girl’s breathing. A calm, soft sound with a hint of grave worry to it. She smiled as she caught a moment when both of them breathed simultaneously. Knowing that the other one was just as wide awake as she was, gazing upwards just like her, she parted her lips to a short, audible smile.

Hair rubbing slightly against a pillow as the other girl moved her head to the side, slowly, and then snapped back. A sound of lips parting, emitting air that had been held inside for too long, fresh air sucked in through the nose, and let out again, calmer. The sound of the fabric of the girl’s shirt as her fingers clasped it, then let go of it.

A feeling of tears wanting to well up, stinging the back of her eyes as she felt the delicate distress the other girl tried to hide, feeling it by a mere motion of the girl’s hands.
Another moment of soundlessness.

There were things she wanted to say, things she had wanted to say before, yet her mouth wouldn’t want to move, and her vocal chords denied working. The silence was too precious.

Even now, with words unsaid and things undone, they were content with just being there, next to each other.

The faint ticking of a clock reached her ears, along with a single bark of one of the dogs outside. A man’s voice somewhere, a woman’s laugh, silence.

Another synchronous breath passed, and the girl next to her moved and rolled onto her side, facing away.

She smiled again then, and turned her head to look at the small back. Not quite sure whether it was what she knew about that girl, or the way she perceived her by her looks, by the way she talked or fell silent, or whether it was this feeling she got by just feeling her, the sensation she had deep inside when she opened her heart to her, this slight sting and the weight of a heavy burden, that made her want to connect in that way, with that diaphanous bond only few are able to feel. The other one seemed so frail… so complex… and so hurting.

To some extent that feeling inside her was just like the one she felt when watching a beautiful sundown, watching as the clouds changed colour and shape, merged and dissolved, red turning to golden turning to green turning to blue. Or when she was sitting somewhere out on the rocks, looking out over the sea, watching the white foam of the waves swapping against the warm stones, licking her hands when she’d reach out. Or when a soft breeze caught the twigs of a White Willow or a Birch tree, making the soft leaves stroke her face and play catch with her hair. Pieces of eternity that last no longer than a mere moment.

She loved having moments like those by herself, always, and yet... when it was about her, that other girl, right then it felt as if she was one of those moments on her own. Or as if she herself was the girl’s moment. Or maybe as if both of them were each other’s moments.

Copying the girl’s movements, she rolled over. Suddenly, a soft shiver ran across the other’s back, a reaction that made her smile, wondering whether the cause was her rolling over, or a thought the other had had, and slowly, without thinking about it, she reached out until her left touched the girl’s back.

There was a sharp intake of breath at the contact, a stiffening of limbs, and the spreading of an air of waiting, as the girl held her breath.

With her mind vacant of thoughts, and her Inside filled to the brim with sensations and feelings, she swiftly slid closer until there was no more than a palm’s space between them. She could smell the soft, worn out fragrance that still clung to the body and clothes, and her skin’s scent underneath it. A scent that softly wrapped around her as she moved her hand over shoulder and arm to the girl’s front, gently placing it on the clavicle that echoed a rushing heartbeat, vibrating against her fingertips. When she touched the bare shoulder with her lips, the girl sighed, and unwound.

Never before had they been that close in the short while they had been with each other, only ever being the ‘just friends’ they could never remain. Never had they been intimate, afraid that if they’d ever touch, they might push rocks over the edge of a steep slope that does not end before it reached Destruction.

And yet, nothing felt more right than that forbidden fruit they were tentatively rolling around in their palms right then, inspecting it, touching it, smelling it.

While something about her inside had started shaking and tumbling, she nuzzled her face calmly into the crook of the girl’s neck, breathing warmly onto her skin. She didn’t care how the other seemed too insecure still to react, or act on her own. The only things that mattered right then were them, the moment, and whatever it was they were feeling. While something on her inside seemed to be about to burst, the shaking and welling inside of her did not convey to the girl she felt like wanting to protect forever, as long as forever might ever last. The calm she portrayed on the outside that she so often was envied of, and the storm raging inside of her, a dichotomy that had brought her distress in the past, and will, undoubtedly, agonize her unless someone proves able to read her, it was by that dichotomy that her heart suddenly felt so much heavier. And yet, it was her tranquil happiness and the feeling of wanting to be strong for now, that had her keep composure.

Another sudden shiver ran through the other girl’s body, running from her middle out over her limbs and head, she contracted, and let go of a soft noise that sounded just like a held-back whimper. It was hard to not notice how the girl tried to control herself, yet the more she tried, the harder it seemed to become.

A cracking piece of furniture made her realize how silence still clung to every surface of the very room, and she smiled.

“You know what?”, she started, whispering against the white neck, moving her arm to pull the girl closer, a movement that flowed from her body into the girl’s, as the other softened and moved back against her.

With the girl having difficulties of retrieving her voice, the first reply was but a squashed sound that turned into a hesitant “What?” that shook with a tempest rampaging inside.

As her fingers ghosted across the collarbone and neck, she continued.

“Do you remember how I once said, that, when it’s about me, I don’t want you to cry unless…”, she didn’t have to finish before what the girl had tried to keep inside had shaken off her steadily slackening grip, and cracked her open with a heavy convulsion accompanied by a heartrending sob that pushed her tears forth with such strength, she could do nothing but seek the refuge she had been scared of giving in to. Clutching the arm around her shoulder, she pushed closer, then away to roll around, drowning the silence with the sound of her tears. Winding her arm under the one that had held her afore, she clutched at her back as if she could never be close enough, and nestled a shaking body up against an embracing one that temporarily was strong.

As their arms and their bodies intertwined tighter, fingers found their counterpart to entangle with and heartbeats hammered against each other, mutually accelerating concurrently as they were relieved; as tears soaked fabrics and frail sentiments, cool sighs passed warm breaths, and fingers untangled to caress and touch longing skin, they pushed the rocks over the edge, and let it all go.


If there happen to be people around who read it through even though it is not a fanfiction, comments are always welcome.
Roaded on Sep 23rd 2018, 2:22 am GMT.