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When everything turns to nothing, I'll still be there for you.
A Journey To All Worlds And Back - Dir en Grey 2009/06/16 Live Review 
17th-Jun-2009 11:06 pm
yuuki yomi
I just got back home, it’s 23:38 now.
Yeah I guess I always start these kinds of entries with “I just got back home”, and more often than rarely I finish writing them days, weeks, or even months later.
My sort of ‘reports’ or ‘reviews’, that is.
Well I guess in the end I beat my record of staying up late, or early, for this year, and finished it the same night.

Dir en Grey, 2009 06 16. Munich. Backstage Werk.

I somewhat doubt it will take me that long for this one.
The reasons are pretty simple.

While I do somewhat still have in mind about how they were dressed, and about what songs they played, the end-result won’t be pages filling … I guess [In the end, again, this turned out to not be quite as truthfully]. Simply because I didn’t see… much that could be told. But let’s commence.

Before the Start.

Well, mom arrived at about 10, about thirty others had already been waiting. I got there at about 1:30, about sixty people in line. The girls around us were all pretty fun and lovely talking to. One girl from Mainz had a huge sketch block with her … one wonderful sketch of some dragons. Beautiful. We, or I, talked a lot to Myv/Miya~ It was her first Dir en Grey concert, so her nerves were… in a state she would have wished them not to be. She wasn’t the only one though. Also to mom, it was the first. Her nerves were equally… fluttering. Along with her heart. To her, Diru are 神… Ne.

After a couple of hours, suddenly it started lashing and hailing. The rain didn’t last for too long though, and luckily, some security people thought that they won’t leave us waiting out there in the rain (… alright, the rain actually never returned, but… they couldn’t know), and let us come inside the canopied premises. Just then there was a little tragedy between people who’d been camping outside for two days and the people that now pushed before them in the line, but nah~ Else the time before we were slipped inside flowed pretty nicely (to me, anyway), and it passed without trouble and with little pushing.
When Diru started practicing, it got all a bit too much for mom … first Shinya, then Toshiya… then the guitarists, and then Kyo warmed up his voice. Gradually, the crowd fell silent. Amazing. Well, that’s Kyo. Just a bit after he’d stopped, the whole band played a couple of songs. One of them Vinushka. Wow. Just wow. [Priceless how she jumped up and pressed her ear and body against the door she believed to be leading right to the stage. (^ω^)]

Finally inside, we were in the fourth row. Or well, started out in the third/fourth row. Right in the middle. There was a pretty tall girl in front of me, but since Kyo usually uses his little podium, it shouldn’t be too annoying, I guessed. I was right about that. Annoying was, that at this live, there were a lot of pushers, people that already tried squeezing to the front before the live actually started, people that pushed during the concert, and so on. … Well actually, there were more before than during. So much so, that my feet and legs already started hurting from merely holding against. Also, I didn’t really pay attention to the pushing during the live. I just noticed when I lost my footing, when I fell to some side, or when I noticed that I wasn’t really standing, but more… lying.

We already didn’t have much space the way we started out, and then this little bitch tried squeezing between my mom and the girl next to her, where there was no damn space for her… ah, she was successful in the end, but she and some people to my left, pushing and pushing, they managed to make me so aggressive, if my mom hadn’t been between me and that girl, I might have done something to her. I really got kill-energy there. It’s very unusual about me, that sort of feeling but well. The only reason for why I did not go and do the things I had seen shortly in my mind was the actual consequences there might be. However. When she finally pushed past mom (with a face like “uhh I have no idea what’s happening, I’m not doing anything at all…”) and mom again whispered to me how that ‘bitch’ already got her elbow into her side etc, I reached over and pushed at that girl hard, grateful to the length and strength of my nails, and oh there was a little uproar and a little shouting and bitching about how there’s a difference of being pushed from people somewhere, and sneak-squeezing, but then there was silence and I guess that was about when the concert started anyway, and then it didn’t really “matter” anymore.

So talking about pushing, heat, and squeezed tightly together with no real possibilities of moving, this was the absolute worst concert I’ve ever been to.

But I haven’t mentioned the performance itself yet. *smiles*

The Performance.

When SA BIR started, pretty much exactly at 8pm, I didn’t really have my mood up for shouting for the band - yet -, also I didn’t really notice how they went on stage… I saw Toshiya’s smile and his typical holding up of his bass though. If I’m not mistaken, Shinya did ~not~ come to the front of the stage, but went straight to his (utmost beautiful and most stunning) drumset.

Kaoru, as per usual, wore some elegant black suit-like thing, Toshiya and Die wore white, long muscle shirts. I won’t ever forget Toshiya’s red and white socks though. What were they? Long tennis-socks? Baseball-socks? Oh gods xD
I loved Kyo’s clothes. They were both elegant and nonchalant… Hmmm… what an interesting phenomena. Even though my eyes kept being glued to him most of the time that I had my eyes at the stage, I can’t really describe it. It was like a white suit-like thing that seemed to be made out of jeans-fabric. I’m sorta sorry to say (however, as I like putting down clear facts as well), but his uh, pants, or rather, the crotch area had caught some … attention in the beginning. A bit like “A hai thur, rite, now I remember it’s Kyo up there 8D” *laughs*

Well, what can I say. I can’t say much. The sound was great, even though I feared a bit in the beginning that his voice was too low in comparison to the music, but it wasn’t in the long run. His voice came out beautifully, in that Kyo-like way. There were no technical problems as far as I can tell. They performed lovely. Brilliantly. Out-of-your-mind-brilliantly. Kyo’s hands were as hypnotizing as ever, Gods how much I stared at his hands. Such beautiful, fine hands, and his movements… he danced again, and o how he danced and moved. The Dragon.
He had so much more eye-contact with the crowd (single persons, rather) than what I have seen him having before. He even held the eye-contact for a while, seemed actually rather fond of doing so, and… he did something I’ve never seen him doing before… Well, ‘never’ depicting the recent times I’ve seen them perform live - be it for real, or on their more recent live DVDs.

It was pretty stunning.

And o how did it do me well. So well.

Next to that he looked extremely good and healthy, very healthy, he did something I would have only dreamt of ever seeing him do… he smiled. Not just once. Several times. And sometimes even longer than just a moment.

Now, meditate on that for a while.

Kaoru was pretty much his usual old self. The way he acted on stage, his gestures…
Toshiya kept bouncing up and down, grinning into the crowd and at people, firing them up and cheering with them. He also went over to Die’s place a couple of times, and to the back of the stage. Also raised his bass over his head, as he tends to do.
One thing I remember during GRIEF, that was his outstretched middle finger. *laughs*
Shinya as always, beautifully and elegantly hitting his drums while rocking out ~ His hair was nice, didn’t it have a shade of black under the else lighter hair? Yeah I tried to look more at Shinya at times, tried to, but with Kyo there it’s a bit difficult for me *laughs*
Die looked much better. He gained some weight, so he’s not as terribly thin as I’ve seen him before. He smiled and bounced lightly, his hair hit by this mystical breeze that always seems to hit him… and always him. *laughs*
Kyo, as I mentioned, looked pretty stunning. Very healthy, and actually, pretty content, if not with a hint of hidden happiness somewhere. I guess he had had some pretty great past recent lives. And his hairstyle, as long as it lasted for, that is, it actually reminded me of the Ugly Kingdom-Tour. It looked very lovely.

At one point, he and Tocchi shared the podium, both of them having one feet on it. My heart bloomed. I was reminded of Jessica from the Ugly Kingdom live … such happiness so rarely to be seen. At the last Diru live I’ve been at about 1.5 years ago, there was about no interaction between the members. And a thing like getting close to Kyo seemed rather impossible to do. Today though, it seemed so much better in so many aspects.

It was extremely hot. So hot that the sweat was running and dripping from Tocchi’s body in a way that makes you think that nothing about him was dry anymore. Kyo also sweated a lot, increasingly so. Consequently, he first opened the ‘jacket’ he wore ~ ah, one time he stretched, I caught a glimpse of the lovely tiger, and already felt so lifted up for only that. *laughs* Later, he removed it completely. Wonderful. I’m getting so mesmerized by his tattoos. Waited for him to show the face on his right arm again. For some reason, it was one of the things that etched themselves deeply into my mind at the last Diru live I’ve been at - in Pratteln. I just kept staring at that face in awe for some reason. The lighting was different today, and I didn’t get to see it properly until towards the end of the concert. Or maybe that was, because I was rarely really looking? Well… the initial two streams of sweat that ran down from his chest to his waistband were pretty charming. Later, also the whole of his body was clad in sweat. Yet, despite the immense heat, I've never seen them drinking from their water bottles. Nor were there bottles distributed to the fans.

And I can only speak about myself, but I, too, was one piece of sweat from up to down. My hair was wet. Not damp, no, wet, through and through. Well, my had had been constantly moving. Thus, getting more and more sweat into it. その通りに〜

Also, the motions of his hands, the gestures, the way he crossed his chest and symbolically cut his wrists with his fingers, all that and so much more, these simple, elegant movements, the way that only he dances … also, the long-ago-seen vein that climbs up from his waistband. That was one of the things that had me fascinated at my first Diru live. The vein, and later, the face. *laughs*

And that tiger is beautiful… yet somehow, it seems very different from all his other tattoos. Maybe that is because it’s not embedded by others. The skull coming down from his right shoulder had something fascinating about it, too. At one point, it almost looked real, staring down. Sometimes, his tattoos don’t seem to be tattoos at all. Sometimes, it’s as if his skin had turned into a mirror, and you look down into a different world. I got that impression today.

One other thing that had changed about him… while his facial expression, appearance and acting seemed rather fear-invoking, scary, while the whole of his Kyo-being was something to be afraid of, today, there wasn’t really such a thing. There still was this deeply heart-felt veneration, yet with much less fear. If there at all was fear.

Skip the next part if you just want to read about the concert only, and not so much about my own experience.

Personal experiences.

Today, to me, Kyo was a gateway. Or rather, the holder of the key to the one gate that I needed to step through, tonight. My companion and conductor to reach where I needed to go, to step through it, and to find my way.

I’ve been noticeably missing them for quite a while. I’ve been needing someone like them, a live like theirs, that energy, for quite a while. I’ve been needing the possibility for a havoc. I’ve been needing to scream. I’ve been needing to put some parts of my self on hold and just let go.
It’s long ago that I crashed, in those hard ways I used to for a while, and of course in some ways, this is good, really good. However, something has been lacking. With all the bad things crashing-down-hard entails, there’s some -most probably unintended- good things, as well. Like “getting it all out”, going down all the way to get up again. And so on. Things like these.
Getting to know that Diru would come again, I was thrilled.
I wasn’t really nervous before the concert though. The main reasons probably were that I’ve already seen them twice, so no matter how the concert would be, I could always compare it two others - if it would turn out bad, I’d still have the memories of the first, if it turned out better, well then it’s all grand. And the way I (tried?) concentrated on studying… a bit. As much as possible. (Interestingly did I get extremely concentrated just when they were warming up.)
There were some moments while waiting when I had to respire deeply, but my condition was a lot better than that of some around me, including my mom.

So when it started… After Sa Bir and their entering the stage, they played Inconvenient Ideal as their warming-upper. [Folks. It’s “Ideal”. Not “Idol”. *laughs* I’ve heard that a couple of times today… ] With it, I let go off what was still lingering from before Sa Bir, and started rocking out. It was then, and almost only then, when I watched the band members, looked properly at them, and actually noticed what they were doing, wearing, and so on. Everything else that I described further up were glimpses I caught in the rest of the 1.5 hours.

The next song was Vinushka. And everything that happened from then on… was something that I had not expected, but deep down, wished for ever since I had started getting this feeling of needing a havoc-causing live.

A thing I had said before the live, when we were being annoyed helltastically with all the pushers, was that I had no intention whatsoever to hold back anything at a Diru-live. Not here, not now, not today, if possible, not ever.

Well, I didn’t.

During Vinushka, the song mom so nicely compared to an entire opera, something happened. I remember that something similar happened at the Gazette-live I’ve been at, this ‘letting oneself fall completely’, yet with Gazette, it was more about the fun of letting go. During my letting-go inside of Vinushka, my body raged violently. It did not merely move. It raged. It was as if there’d been a secret switch that Kyo, and the whole band with their music, had switched on. I reached a state of delirium in just a minute, if not less.
My body moved and shook and head-banged violently, guided by the the music, I could feel how much energy I put into moving, how everything about me was concentrating into raging, 暴れるのことすね. I raged. Later, I screamed. And then, suddenly, I just burst out crying. In the middle of Vinushka, towards the end, just at one of the raging wild parts, it was all there, and it all came up and spilt out, and there I was, crying my heart and soul out, the tears streaming down my face in such a heavy, hot gush, I didn’t know whether it were tears or blood. I cried, I bawled as I’ve never done before in any concert, ever. Myv had asked me whether I had cried at my first Dir en Grey concert. I had to think about it. [I did though, as far as I can remember.] It wasn’t about them, it wasn’t about the persons, it was the music that conducted what needed to be conducted. I just cried. I did look on, not all the time, as I was looking down and nowhere, too, but I did look at the stage, or rather, at Kyo, with everything coming undone. When it had just started, at one point I got the feeling he noticed, and did more than just notice. He, especially he, is one to surely know the powers of sound.
So much has traveled into a misty world of hazy memories, that I cannot pick out the big picture from the details anymore, but I think it was also then, when mom, as she noticed, held my hand. With our fastened, raised hands, we faced Kyo. She, also, cried at times during the live. [As did our Myv]

I can’t remember which songs were coming up after Vinushka. I thought it might have been Red Soil. It was fast, it was what some would call aggressive, it was good. My body raged. My vocal chords started screaming on their own accord, in a way that it either wasn’t audible, or as little discernible as possible. I didn’t really seem human. Or not sane. To me, anyway.

He sang his scales, three times did he have solos, and all of them were amazing. Sadly there were people who apparently thought that him doing a solo meant a break and the possibility to talk, so people around them, including me, got pretty annoyed, and distracted. At one point, I just turned around to them, and simply said “Do you have to be chatting..?” There was one little sound like “Ooo~~” as in “aww, do you have a problem with that, tchaa- -” but thankfully they stayed silent from then on. Once or twice I looked over to mom when he had his solos, and she, too, had tears running down her face. I said ‘too’, because at least during two of them, I kept swallowing hot tears, yet looking up and watching every motion that … man up there did.

When, after a couple of songs, 蜷局 began, my first words were “Oh Gods. Oh ssshit.” Right. My 蜷局. I knew it already, but what happened was more than I’d expected. I screamed, I screamed along the lines [and still conscious enough to do it in a way it would not cause trouble or annoyance to anyone] and there was nothing I would have done to prevent the next crying fit. It seemed almost heavier than the first, it probably was, as I hadn’t been screaming that much during the first. Besides, it didn’t stop. I cry-shouted along the lines that I knew by heart. And the next song they played was Glass Skin. Again, moments when my mom grasped my hand, when she held my arm or just generally kept close. Wonderful. I did not stop bawling the way I was the whole song. Crying my eyes out. Or, more fitting: Rotz und Wasser. And sweat, for that matter. I even swallowed tears. Through my nose.

Some of the songs I raged the most were probably Agitated Screams of Maggots, Dozing Green, and Grief.

The first song after the Encore [They didn't have us wait long for the encore. It felt as if they'd just went backstage, had a couple of gulps of water, and got back on stage. Kyo was still as sweaty as when he'd left] was The Final. Well, they play it about every time I guess, and I love it… still I hadn’t known that it would come up, so naturally I was somewhat surprised. It was beautiful - the crowd sang along wholeheartedly. Kyo stopped singing the second time into the refrain, and let us sing. leaning back and stretching out his micro. Also, the end of the song, he let us sing all of the English lines. It was wonderful, it really was, and his enjoyment was visible. And still, The Final, for some strange reason, is [Bad username: tonbo_no_arashi]’s song, in some way. At least I’ve always been thinking of her during that song, in ever Dir en Grey live ever so far, and as a sort of tradition I still shout your name darling. *laughs*

Also after some songs, taking in the cheers and shouts of the wild masses (it was wild. Extremely so), Kyo leant back a bit, stretching out his arms, as if being crucified, taking it all in. After one song, being just like that, he shouted もっと!モット!while moving his arms in jolts, calling to us again and again, firing us up even more, getting the ‘More’ he had asked for.

It was so squeezed tight with people, at most times, I couldn’t move. I said before that at times I was just lying, not really standing on my feet. And that was at the beginning of the live. Later I did stand, sometimes stable, more often not. Often, I couldn’t move my arms. The time I could actually pull my arms back down were only during the first twenty minutes of the concert. Then, there was no real way. My arms stayed up. When I was too much into either raging and banging my head - or body, rather -, or disabled to do anything much than dissolving into water, I folded my arms somewhat around my head and made soft fists to not have people behind me run their eyes into my fingers. Almost happened at one occasion.

Also, later, a girl kept resting her elbow on my left shoulder. I didn’t mind. I totally disregarded it, and still did so when I head-banged as if out-of-my-mind (which I was, in some respects) to the sides and precisely hit that elbow with the side of my face. I didn’t care one bit. Most of the time during the live, I was just something very warm, very wet, that bounced and shook, a ball made of fire, water and hair. I moved into all directions, and rapidly at that, sometimes to and fro, sometimes to the sides, sometimes all around, yet interestingly, I rarely bumped into people at those occasions. It seemed at times as if we were one collective mind. Even when I was totally disregarding everything that happened around me and just moved as I liked, as soon as there was a resistance (or something close to a bumping into each other), that resistance instantly died and adapted to the movement. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it was hat was happening was pretty amazing. People were practically stacked into each other. The premises were full. And with full, I mean full. Compared to the first concert though, I guess it was… a joke. 2500 people at the concert 2007, yet only 300 fit into today’s hall.
And I wasn’t really able to walk well during some time after the live. My legs didn’t work.

The Finale.

They had given out about all they had had - all pics [Myv got Kao’s. I loved how she got his in her first Diru concert, just the way I did *laughs*], Tocchi threw his towel into the crowd (that was before the Encore still, I think) and made people fall consequently to the left, and Shinya went up to the front to give out his four drumsticks. Ah, beautiful Shinya… Such a graceful drummer quite sui generis.

All this energy, all those sentiments, all that release, that is Dir en Grey the way they ought to be. A live band that exceeds the state of merely making and performing music, exceeds it by far.

And before that, before Kyo left, he stretched out his arms as far as they reached, the palms of his slender hands facing upwards, the light shining through his fingernails and illuminating his sweaty body, stretching with all his body-art to be seen, looked at us, brought his hands together, and then clapped, clapped and clapped, smiled at us, applauded, bowed, smiled again, and hopped off the podium.

For all of this.
With all my heart… Thank you.
18th-Jun-2009 01:10 am (UTC)
uuuuu... thanks so much for the repo....

can u walk now ahaha...

18th-Jun-2009 06:01 pm (UTC)
You're welcome.

Yeah, I can walk fine. Only my neck is a bit stiff and my body in itself slightly worn out xD But that's grand~
19th-Jun-2009 02:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you, darling.

I started reading your entry the day after, but I couldn't stand it and there wasn't enough time to sink deeply into it.

Sometimes you think you can't cry no more because you already cried all the tears you have. Not this time. Now I read the whole entry. No, not reading. I sucked it in and I cried, cried, cried, coz all came back to me, creeping on the inner side of my skull.

Since the live, I only listen to "Uroboros" in my car, letting the concert come back to my mind again and again. It's wonderful, it's awesome, it's like going nuts, it hurts.

I WILL write an entry on that live, too.
I MUST write an entry, although I know, that I won't find the proper words to express my feelings.
But it will take some more time, please forgive me.

Until then - thank you so much for this wonderful entry.
Thank you so much for being there with me.
Thank you so much for sharing emotions.
19th-Jun-2009 06:14 pm (UTC)
I write in order to feel...
Though I guess one would have to have been there to be able to feel it...
You were...

I can't really listen to the songs they played at the lives. Just want to scream again.

One always thinks that there aren't any proper words to say but... some words have to be there after all.

I'm glad that your first Dir en Grey concert was this one.
20th-Jun-2009 06:58 am (UTC)
I started writing on my entry yesterday, but the words are so flat, so meaningless. I would like to spit out the things that move me inside - but how could I?

I know what it means when you say "I'm glad that your first Diru concert was this one"

Deeply felt ARIGATO.
Sharing something like this with you is unique. Nobody outside could ever understand.
20th-Jun-2009 03:08 pm (UTC)
Hmmmm... it's not always easy to pull out one's emotions with a pen... to me it seems as if all the emotions, especially those I hadn't even known are there, have some mystical, deep attraction to pens of all sort...
How could you? Hm... relax and let it go~?


It is interesting you would use the word 'inside'. It's a very Japanese term. (about their society anyway~)
22nd-Jun-2009 01:01 pm (UTC)
*wonders* What other world could I have used but inside????

I like the connotation that it's very Japanese...
22nd-Jun-2009 05:56 pm (UTC)
Hmmm~ there would be a few, I guess.

*smiles* Well, I might tell you of that Japanese 'aspect of life' one day *laughs*
23rd-Jun-2009 05:30 am (UTC)
You might tell me one day????

*being a bit unpatient about this*

Please tell me about this Japanese aspect of life. Please. Please. Please.
Roaded on Jul 19th 2018, 3:57 am GMT.