Title: Be my Valentine
Pairing: Ruki x Uruha, Ruki POV
Genre: angst, calamity, despair
Disclaimer: Not owning anyone in the story, only the story
Synopsis: Ruki is despairing over a loss he never saw coming. Sorry I'm at a loss for words right now, can't find a synopsis that tells enough but not too much.
Author’s notes: I got inspired by... well today being Valentines, and being alone and walking through the dense fog outside...Calm Envy came up and just somehow, it clicked, and there I was with thoughts in my head that I needed to get out. I mention Maenads. They were the female spirits that ripped Orpheus apart.
Ever since I first met you, I noticed this one thing about you.
There is something tragic about your person. I never knew just how to express this woe it awoke in me. The very first time I looked into your eyes, those almond brown marbles that pierced through my gaze like glass splinters, that very time, I broke, and spilled unceasingly into your gentle palms, not caring about that premonition of ever-present calamity.
Now, with the cold sipping in through my cloths and the cataclysmic silver moon shining down on me through a wall of mist I don’t know what there is left. I don’t know what there is left now, for me, of everything. Staring into nothingness, trying to remember the life in your eyes. A gust of wind tears at my scarf, wrenches at my icy cold hands. To me, they feel hot. No. To me, they don’t feel like anything. They’re numb. Everything about me is numb. Baby…
The cold February wind strikes my face with a ghastly howl. I feel nothing. I spread my arms. The wind tears at them like a hungry Maenad about to tear me apart. Nothing, in my eyes. The fog densifies, swathing the silvery light. I close my eyes and part my lips, try and feel something with their sensitive skin. The cold sucked the red out of them and cracked them. Cold that I cannot feel anymore. Blackness in front of my eyes. Trying to see your face in front of me.
The wind is getting stronger, pulls at me, there, I can see you, I can see your face turning to look at me in the distance, the wind tears at me and makes me stagger, I let my arms fall and snatch my eyes open, and your fragile face gets lost in the fog.
No. No no no no no, fight, now, Ruki, fight, I need to fight, it will be okay, someday, it will be okay, the face, enveloped in mist, no, torn away from me, no
, please, no, I reach out my hand, desperate, trying to reach you, staggering on the icy floor, my fingers grasping for something that isn’t there, please...
Make it undone. Make it undone. Undo it
, I scream, unvoiced, agonized, the sound is stuck in my throat. The contorted mask of torments that is my face is just a badly done reflection of my soul, I don’t mind, I don’t care, I don’t know anymore, I can’t feel, baby, the sound of that word in my head, trying to see how you smiled every fucking time I called you it, but I can’t, can’t see you, wet pain spilling out from my eyes, searing warmth against the cold flesh. Don’t leave me. Baby…
There always has been something tragic about you, yet, I never understood. Your beauty made me cry, and I thought it was just for the sake of it. Always hid my tears. Always cleaned up the mess I’d made at home, throwing things around in desperation, incomprehension that drove me mad, always hid the evidence before you returned home. Your smile never… it never… you never knew. Because when you were there, there was no reason to cry, for me, but for happiness. Your radiance healed me. Every time. Every fucking time. One smile. One touch. It meant the world, to me.
I need you.
But there is nothing here, now. Nothing that I could hold onto. Nothing that dresses my wounds, nothing that gently caresses the scars on my heart. Baby… don’t leave me...please
I blink against the iciness of the air. I should have been cold, wearing no coat. I can’t feel it. I stare into nothingness and see you being enveloped in the fog, dense, white fog tearing you away from me and my legs won’t move. There’s nothing left. The sides of my nose start trembling as I try to remember your touches, and fail. My hands clench into fists in the air before me, untended nails digging into my palms, make them bleed no, fuck, I’m breaking, I can feel it, now I can feel, I can feel me breaking, again, the cold glass around my heart, it’s breaking, now, as I let go off the tears, it breaks and the splinters pierce right through my heart, I’m breaking, and the cold winds, the Maenads lick hungrily at the wounds, lick at my palms with tongues of ice, lusting for more… pain
. Whose dream is that… whom is that dream for… I don’t want you to fade… I need you far too much… baby… don’t… leave me.
You said you wouldn’t. You said “I won’t.” My eyes try and focus on some figure in the fog that isn’t even there. I won’t realize you already did leave. The wind catches up with me, pulls me, I take another shaky step. I won’t let myself realize you’re already gone. Please, let me see your face. Fucking fog, clear up. I know I saw it there, earlier. Clear up clear up clear up clear up, I scream and suddenly I collapse, suddenly I’m down on the floor, not noticing how my nails dig into my neck until I scream, and scream more, and I realize it’s the pain, the pain I can’t feel, but is spilling over my white icy cold fingers, red pain, and I scream at the pain, scraping at the cracking skin, scratching at the floor, give him back, give him back, I want him back, hitting with my fists against the frozen cold earth, no, give him back, fuck, give my baby back
now, I claw at the black earth, tinted digits, ripped open, fingernails breaking, more red, red, red, give him back ”Fucking undo it
”, I scream more, louder, feral, unheard. I give up clawing at what can’t be clawed at, throw my head back and let go of a scream that is being taken away by the wind.
And just kneel there.
Close my eyes.
Let the hot needles run down my face until I feel calm enough to get up.
One foot. Another foot. Standing up. Empty. My arms hang down at my sides. I stare down. At your name. Empty. Wilted flowers in front of my feet. I’m empty. My gaze lifts, slowly, grey, empty. Only marginally I notice the throbbing in my fingers, the pounding of blood in my hands and neck. I get up and start walking without knowing that my feet are moving, and I walk until I reach the gate, the high iron cross gate. Nothing. Climb on top of that bench. Climb on the backrest. Reach up. Stare straight across, seeing nothing. Maybe if I tried now, maybe I could see your face again? Maybe?
But I’m staring and staring, and everything before me is foggy whiteness. Revealing nothing.
I realize that my limbs are too cold to be moving much any longer. Decisions have already been made. I grasp upwards until I think I can feel something rough-textured against my fingers, clench a fist around it and pull it down and around my bleeding neck.
I breathe in.
Close my eyes.
Welcome the blackness.
I’ll be lost in the fog, just like you were that night. Until they found you. With their dogs. In the dirt.
I understand now what that tragic about you was.
I understand now that everything you touch will be cursed for only being able to live for you. Only you.
I understand now that it is not just a bad dream I might awake from one day.
I understand now that this cold earth won’t crack.
I understand that you won’t come back.
I only want to see your face again.”Please…”
, putting all of my shattered heart into that one word I feebly whisper, hoping for some
God to hear my prayer, as I tighten it, and swallow for the last time, before I slip.
I can even feel the last warm drop of life spills from my eye and runs down my cheek, I can feel it fully and concentrate on it as there is nothing underneath me, I can feel it, every cell that gets touched by it until it reaches my jaw, and clings, hangs there, and then drops.
The warm life dripping down and connecting with the earth. Quickly freezing over.
Be my Valentine, tonight.
Thank you for reading. I feel like saying sorry. I actually hate those kind of fanfictions. I really do. I try to avoid reading them. But since you already made it until here, please comment.Fanfiction Archive