?

Log in

No account? Create an account
†·°•~滲む白が揺れる~•°·†
When everything turns to nothing, I'll still be there for you.
Be my Valentine [One Shot] 
14th-Feb-2008 09:08 pm
uru drama
Title: Be my Valentine
Author: outori
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ruki x Uruha, Ruki POV
Genre: angst, calamity, despair
Warnings: death
Disclaimer: Not owning anyone in the story, only the story
Synopsis: Ruki is despairing over a loss he never saw coming. Sorry I'm at a loss for words right now, can't find a synopsis that tells enough but not too much.
Author’s notes: I got inspired by... well today being Valentines, and being alone and walking through the dense fog outside...Calm Envy came up and just somehow, it clicked, and there I was with thoughts in my head that I needed to get out. I mention Maenads. They were the female spirits that ripped Orpheus apart.




Ever since I first met you, I noticed this one thing about you.

There is something tragic about your person. I never knew just how to express this woe it awoke in me. The very first time I looked into your eyes, those almond brown marbles that pierced through my gaze like glass splinters, that very time, I broke, and spilled unceasingly into your gentle palms, not caring about that premonition of ever-present calamity.

Now, with the cold sipping in through my cloths and the cataclysmic silver moon shining down on me through a wall of mist I don’t know what there is left. I don’t know what there is left now, for me, of everything. Staring into nothingness, trying to remember the life in your eyes. A gust of wind tears at my scarf, wrenches at my icy cold hands. To me, they feel hot. No. To me, they don’t feel like anything. They’re numb. Everything about me is numb. Baby…

The cold February wind strikes my face with a ghastly howl. I feel nothing. I spread my arms. The wind tears at them like a hungry Maenad about to tear me apart. Nothing, in my eyes. The fog densifies, swathing the silvery light. I close my eyes and part my lips, try and feel something with their sensitive skin. The cold sucked the red out of them and cracked them. Cold that I cannot feel anymore. Blackness in front of my eyes. Trying to see your face in front of me.

The wind is getting stronger, pulls at me, there, I can see you, I can see your face turning to look at me in the distance, the wind tears at me and makes me stagger, I let my arms fall and snatch my eyes open, and your fragile face gets lost in the fog.

No. No no no no no, fight, now, Ruki, fight, I need to fight, it will be okay, someday, it will be okay, the face, enveloped in mist, no, torn away from me, no, please, no, I reach out my hand, desperate, trying to reach you, staggering on the icy floor, my fingers grasping for something that isn’t there, please...

Make it undone. Make it undone. Undo it, I scream, unvoiced, agonized, the sound is stuck in my throat. The contorted mask of torments that is my face is just a badly done reflection of my soul, I don’t mind, I don’t care, I don’t know anymore, I can’t feel, baby, the sound of that word in my head, trying to see how you smiled every fucking time I called you it, but I can’t, can’t see you, wet pain spilling out from my eyes, searing warmth against the cold flesh. Don’t leave me. Baby…

There always has been something tragic about you, yet, I never understood. Your beauty made me cry, and I thought it was just for the sake of it. Always hid my tears. Always cleaned up the mess I’d made at home, throwing things around in desperation, incomprehension that drove me mad, always hid the evidence before you returned home. Your smile never… it never… you never knew. Because when you were there, there was no reason to cry, for me, but for happiness. Your radiance healed me. Every time. Every fucking time. One smile. One touch. It meant the world, to me.

Healed me.

Every.

Single.

Time.

I need you.

But there is nothing here, now. Nothing that I could hold onto. Nothing that dresses my wounds, nothing that gently caresses the scars on my heart. Baby… don’t leave me...please.

I blink against the iciness of the air. I should have been cold, wearing no coat. I can’t feel it. I stare into nothingness and see you being enveloped in the fog, dense, white fog tearing you away from me and my legs won’t move. There’s nothing left. The sides of my nose start trembling as I try to remember your touches, and fail. My hands clench into fists in the air before me, untended nails digging into my palms, make them bleed no, fuck, I’m breaking, I can feel it, now I can feel, I can feel me breaking, again, the cold glass around my heart, it’s breaking, now, as I let go off the tears, it breaks and the splinters pierce right through my heart, I’m breaking, and the cold winds, the Maenads lick hungrily at the wounds, lick at my palms with tongues of ice, lusting for more… pain. Whose dream is that… whom is that dream for… I don’t want you to fade… I need you far too much… baby… don’t… leave me.

You said you wouldn’t. You said “I won’t.” My eyes try and focus on some figure in the fog that isn’t even there. I won’t realize you already did leave. The wind catches up with me, pulls me, I take another shaky step. I won’t let myself realize you’re already gone. Please, let me see your face. Fucking fog, clear up. I know I saw it there, earlier. Clear up clear up clear up clear up, I scream and suddenly I collapse, suddenly I’m down on the floor, not noticing how my nails dig into my neck until I scream, and scream more, and I realize it’s the pain, the pain I can’t feel, but is spilling over my white icy cold fingers, red pain, and I scream at the pain, scraping at the cracking skin, scratching at the floor, give him back, give him back, I want him back, hitting with my fists against the frozen cold earth, no, give him back, fuck, give my baby back now, I claw at the black earth, tinted digits, ripped open, fingernails breaking, more red, red, red, give him back ”Fucking undo it”, I scream more, louder, feral, unheard. I give up clawing at what can’t be clawed at, throw my head back and let go of a scream that is being taken away by the wind.

And just kneel there.

And breathe.

Quiet.

Breathe.

Slowly.

Close my eyes.

Let the hot needles run down my face until I feel calm enough to get up.

One foot. Another foot. Standing up. Empty. My arms hang down at my sides. I stare down. At your name. Empty. Wilted flowers in front of my feet. I’m empty. My gaze lifts, slowly, grey, empty. Only marginally I notice the throbbing in my fingers, the pounding of blood in my hands and neck. I get up and start walking without knowing that my feet are moving, and I walk until I reach the gate, the high iron cross gate. Nothing. Climb on top of that bench. Climb on the backrest. Reach up. Stare straight across, seeing nothing. Maybe if I tried now, maybe I could see your face again? Maybe?

But I’m staring and staring, and everything before me is foggy whiteness. Revealing nothing.

I realize that my limbs are too cold to be moving much any longer. Decisions have already been made. I grasp upwards until I think I can feel something rough-textured against my fingers, clench a fist around it and pull it down and around my bleeding neck.

I breathe in.

And out.

Close my eyes.

Welcome the blackness.

I’ll be lost in the fog, just like you were that night. Until they found you. With their dogs. In the dirt.

I understand now what that tragic about you was.

I understand now that everything you touch will be cursed for only being able to live for you. Only you.

I understand now that it is not just a bad dream I might awake from one day.

I understand now that this cold earth won’t crack.

I understand that you won’t come back.



I only want to see your face again.

”Please…”, putting all of my shattered heart into that one word I feebly whisper, hoping for some God to hear my prayer, as I tighten it, and swallow for the last time, before I slip.

I can even feel the last warm drop of life spills from my eye and runs down my cheek, I can feel it fully and concentrate on it as there is nothing underneath me, I can feel it, every cell that gets touched by it until it reaches my jaw, and clings, hangs there, and then drops.

The warm life dripping down and connecting with the earth. Quickly freezing over.

Tonight.

Be my Valentine, tonight.



━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─━─

Thank you for reading. I feel like saying sorry. I actually hate those kind of fanfictions. I really do. I try to avoid reading them. But since you already made it until here, please comment.


Fanfiction Archive
コメント 
(Deleted comment)
14th-Feb-2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Awww... Well you're not the only one who cried. >_> I cried before I wrote it, ne, things that triggered me writing it and all.

Thank you, darling. I don't usually read those kind of fics either, I try to avoid them. But well.. couldn't help writing what I felt, ne.

Thank you again. ごめん`
(Deleted comment)
14th-Feb-2008 09:12 pm (UTC)
I was almost crying
that was a part of ruki I never thought about it
<3333
I really liked it
14th-Feb-2008 10:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much <33
14th-Feb-2008 10:50 pm (UTC)
I know I shouldn't read angsty fics days like these when I feel so depressed, but I always do ^^ I was so sad I feel like crying again.
It was very beautiful and so good written.
14th-Feb-2008 11:15 pm (UTC)
Isn't it so typical? We always read angsty fics when we know we shouldn't, sad fics when we know we shouldn't...

Thanks a lot, dear ^_^
(Deleted comment)
15th-Feb-2008 01:19 am (UTC)
Thank you, love.

Mmm yeah I think my Valentines' Day was better... ^^" I'm alive and talking to my girlfriend right now, there was some downs but yeah <33 Thank you a lot for commenting. I really appreciate it.
15th-Feb-2008 01:04 am (UTC)
Wow, this was amazing, in a heart wrenching, hard to breath sort of way. i don't think you should have to apologize for writing this at all. it was beautiful in it's own tragic sort of way, that even though it was sad, it showed how wonderful and horrible love can be.
I really liked how you could see both side of their love, the good and bad, how that for Ruki, being with Uruha was as terrible as it was good. I like how real it seemed, how raw all the emotions were.
I'm very happy that you decided to share this, so thank you!
<3
15th-Feb-2008 01:24 am (UTC)
Oh wow, that comment sort of made my day *___*... Well it's 2.18am, the day is long still but ... you know what I mean.

Thank you very much... really. Such a lovely comment.

...
I'm happy and don't know what to say right now, just thank you <33 [I probably shouldn't write comments at that time of the day, but well I could blame it that the fic drained me for writing skills ^^"
15th-Feb-2008 01:29 am (UTC)
aw, you're very welcome! i can imagine how drained you must have been after writing this, i know that when i write really emotional things, i always end up exhausted. ^^
on a side note, i was really excited to this fic cause i love uruha and ruki together heh <3<3
im hoping to finish the next part of my uruhaxruki later tonight for vday since its only like 7:29pm for me ^^
15th-Feb-2008 12:53 pm (UTC)
Uruki is just... beautiful, at least that's my opinion. ♥

Excited for Uruki fics? Hehe... I haven't been reading fics lately, or not many to be truthful, but yeah, it's gotten my favourite pairing within Gazette, or actually, my overall favourite pairing, I guess.

Ah I recognized your name... thought I'd read it before, then I checked the uruki com, and there you were ^ ^ *shakes hand with fellow writer*
<33
15th-Feb-2008 05:10 am (UTC)
My God.

That was utterly beautiful.

The diction, the imagery, the PAIN, the syntax, the EVERYTHING.

The feelings seem extremely real; the images are vivid and yet unfocused, when they need be, by the fog and by the way in which you introduce the story; the end is fitting and beautiful; it's beautiful .

If your fic was a cake, it would be the BIGGEST BESTEST DAMN CAKE EVER. And I would eat it. I would eat it FIFTY TIMES. Because THAT'S how good it is. (And even though your fic is NOT a cake, I want to EAT it anyways.)
15th-Feb-2008 12:50 pm (UTC)
Oh my Gods... Wow. Thank you.

I sat there staring at each of your words for a couple of seconds, going wow and reading them again... (*^ワ^*)*feels honored* ... *bows*

ありがとう〜

... I hope your tummy wont' hurt after having eaten my fic so many times, ne <33


15th-Feb-2008 01:20 pm (UTC)
It's a good thing I didn't read this last night, because I'm in tears now.

What could I possibly say that hasn't already been expressed by those above me? It's like the perfect pearl from the oyster of your mind, seriously.

Love. Pain. Death. Jesus. . .

I'm not sure I could read it again.

Perfection, Goddess. . .
15th-Feb-2008 01:24 pm (UTC)
Oh... my ... Gods... [when I saw you replied to an entry I thought it was the other one seriously I was like "oh you read that...?"]

Ah, I'm sorry... I don't know if I could read it again, myself, ne, but I probably will...

You're being too good to me <3 It's umm... wow.
It's like the perfect pearl from the oyster of your mind, seriously.
Thank you.

No way perfection but... thank you so much, really. Thank you. [I felt like crying at your comment]
15th-Feb-2008 01:25 pm (UTC)
I'm at a loss for words because of your comment and that M-blog ^^" hence the ... few words. I ♥ you, thank you 7darling~ <33
16th-Feb-2008 12:01 am (UTC)
I could see it,I could see it all coming from so many places...His hands, the feeling of scraping,the earth, the fog, the texture of rope...a whirlwind of everything...I can't say anymore-I tried not to be but...who could not be affected by that?! Please tell me! I can't even express...I...
I will tell you what I thought some other time...I don't even dare to look at it again...

I can't even express...I...

Die for me...you can't save me...
16th-Feb-2008 06:23 am (UTC)
<33 *hugs*

... Yeah... I haven't been reading it again, but of course, me, I do have all those images in my head still and... yeah... well I guess if someone wasn't affected by it, I guess that person rarely will be affected by anything... I don't know...
Speechlessness honours me here... I was lost for words myself after writing, couldn't really comment on anything.
Thank you dear.
Ne... that's why I both want people to read, but then say sorry when they did...

Gomen, ne...

I'll await your comment if you'll ever be able to write one down. <3 *hugs*
17th-Feb-2008 12:35 am (UTC)
*while listening to バレッタ*

Thank you for this, babe, ne.

どうも有り難う御座います。


I can't describe you my feelings which already had been tumbling before reading, this fanfiction is so real, so close.

Oh yeah, I also started crying, but in this completely calm way, without a slightest whiff of shiver, this to me most cruel way of crying.

*it changed into Cassis*


Pure blankness in my mind, maybe because I'm just feeling numb.



御免なさい for there is nothing more.
17th-Feb-2008 01:35 am (UTC)
I only ever saw that you replied to an entry now... didn't expect it to be this one.

with every comment I got, I felt inclined to read it again, to see why how where what but I didn't... I guess I will, some day, but... no.

...

When I cried, before, during... it was the kind of crying that is most 'pure', to me. heartrending sort of

Me, neither, knows what to say.

ごめんなさい on my part. ... Sorry... ルクs
17th-Feb-2008 02:48 am (UTC)
I told you I would read if I fell into that mood.

Better so I think, ne.


I reached a point where I'm at a lack of words at all.


Why do you apologize? What for? No need for sure.
21st-Feb-2008 04:33 am (UTC)
That was very, very intense. With each word the emotions surging through Ruki spiral to new heights and there isn't one moment of stagnation. It's impossible not to be able to relate, because each emotion is descibed so vividly that even if you have never felt that way you almost feel the cold seer through you as it does him. I don't find it depressing as much as I do impressive; it's like a giant, relentless, blunt poem. This is how music should be written.
21st-Feb-2008 04:45 am (UTC)
Thank you baby <3

Ah as I said, am replying, or trying to, cause I never really knew what to answer to comments on this fic but thank you and

゜。・(●´∀`)ノぁリカゞ㌧こ again, ne... I love it when inspiration just hits one like that... and then in one fleeting motion, something is written and finished.

Quite relentless, yes... [my writings tend to be I think]
Music, ne. ^______^ Need me as another lyricist? XD <333
21st-Feb-2008 04:52 am (UTC)
<3 yeah, I wish such deep and intense inspiration such as this hit me more often ne. Because unispired writting often pale in comparison; in other words, FAIL. XD (*coughcoughmyficcough*)

But needless to say your very welcome love, and of course I welcome you as a second lyricist, whatchu talkin' bout? XD hehe ^_^
19th-Apr-2008 07:29 am (UTC)
無名〜One with no name
There is the saying that "times heals any wounds" but that's not true.
You said I should only read this fan-fiction in a good mood. I WAS in a good mood before I started, thinking about Valentine's day in general (there was nobody who kissed me, haha) - and thinking about one line in a Marilyn Manson song called Valentine's Day that goes "... I saw a pregnant girl today - she didn't know that it was dead inside ..."
Already after the second paragraph I couldn't hold back my tears because you describe feelings I had a couple of times in my life - and I thought this wounds already healed. Yeah, but they never heal. Is this the red ribbon between us - unsaid feelings I went through creep into your mind and splutter out of your fingertips. You know: I didn't read this thinking about Ruki and Uruha - I just read it totally unbiased,thinking of nobody special, just letting the words slip into my mind - and thus evoking real memories that are like Maenads (thank you for bringing this word into my mind - it's PERFECT!).
What makes me sad - very sad - most of all: I never wanted YOU to have such feelings, if only I could have managed to save you from this ... and I wasn't there when you (maybe) needed me.
So please accept my apology for everything I buggered and all my faults.
I never did it on purpose.
Love you.
19th-Apr-2008 04:33 pm (UTC)
Oh dear, your warning to read this made me nervous what it would say.

Now... it was very very touching, and so deeply heartfelt it made me weep. I love you, mom.
You know, whatever feelings there sometimes are within me, feelings or... factors that make me produce things like that, it's my own, and you don't have to do anything with them.
Of course there is a lot about a person's character that evolved through their parents' duct, but there are things that haven't. They are born from experiences, dreams, values one self has. And then there's a third party, I believe, the one that is just being given to you before you even were born, it just has to ... develop and break through.

Now, I didn't think about that I was giving this link to my mother, I wasn't thinking as far. Additionally I haven't been a mother in this life yet, so I can only vaguely imagine what's going on in a mother's heart and mind, concerning her children. I was only thinking of you when I gave you the link.

And well. I've said sorry to everyone reading and commenting this. I felt like saying sorry. Didn't I even write it under the fic? I think so. ... I had to distract me to not read it again. I wanted to, to reread what you just read, but I know it wouldn't have been a good idea. I only ever wrote it. Revised it. And then read it once. And never touched it again. For good reason I guess... but I shall not find out now, I won't read it.

It might be just that there are some parts of us that are quite alike the other's (though there are a lot that aren't), so you recognize things in what I write that speak to you.

But then, I think, a lot of people may have felt just that way. After all, everyone who ever read and commented on it felt at least something close to it. It's something people just go through, sometimes...

And there wasn't anything happening that made feel this way, you know. It's the way writers, or at least ME as writer, function. Sometimes there's just this wave hitting, this inspiration, and then the words seep through me and my fingers fly and I'm not even thinking... I just let go, with this one. That's why I'd posted it so quickly. Usually fics take some days for me to finish. But this here, it was there, has been written, posted, done. In about 3 hours all together, I'd say.

So... there never was a 'real' situation that made me feel that way, as you said that you felt, as Ruki did, I just was made feel, so I'd be able to write this.

Don't know if that is easily understandable... I don't think it is.
20th-Apr-2008 07:20 am (UTC)
無名〜One with no name
For me, it IS understandable. Maybe you are right and this kind of thinking and feeling is reserved to mothers?
I know that it's the way how fictions, poems and prose are born - in sudden moments (remember the "pictures" I had in my mind some day while running and listening to music??) - it's the same with dreams, sometimes you don't know where they come from because there seems to be no real event that could have caused it.
But in the end it's all there, it IS in your mind - the pain, the despair, the hurt - luckily most of the time it's hidden in the unconscious part, but sometimes it swashes to the surface.
I feel confident - definitely - that the connection between a mother and her child is more than only similar toes and ears and DNA ... as you used to tell me lots of things when you were still in my womb - and the other way round I know that you felt any single tear I cried. If I could have managed to lead a happy life, you would write comedies today, I'm sure of that.
I think I handed some kind of sadness down to you - or in comparison to music better call it "Moll" and not "Dur". Maybe that's why I feel kind of guilty - and I probably will never overcome that guilt, even though my brain tells me that this is rubbish ...
Thinking about maternal inheritance ... there is at least one positive thing: loads of strength (... that makes us smile again, in the end ...)
20th-Apr-2008 10:54 am (UTC)
Ohh... well you know, I can write witty stuff too.. Or I mean, you know the way I'm baka xD ...
It's just that writing also works as channelling, feelings get channeled and somewhat dealt with.
It's probably natural that you feel guilty. But if things hadn't been the way they were, I'd never be the way I am now. Which is, I think, quite so 'i orden' ^ ^
Roaded on Nov 18th 2017, 9:23 pm GMT.