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When everything turns to nothing, I'll still be there for you.
How about... I just leave? [One Shot] 
28th-Mar-2008 11:19 pm
uru drama
Title: How about... I just leave?
Author: outori
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Ruki x Uruha, Ruki POV
Genre: angst
Warnings: death
Disclaimer: Not owning anyone in the story, only the story
Synopsis: Things didn't turn out the way they should have, now Ruki is considering leaving, in one way or the other.
Author’s notes: That's what happens when I think of writing a drabble. I get something with about 1000 words instead of hundred ^^" It's still a short fic though, not exactly a pleasant one, and written very spontaneously. Not beta-read. And nothing special, I'm afraid. ^^"

How about I just leave?

My shaking hands clutch the cold micro. I see nothing. But I hear the voices. I hear the voices, shouting and begging and crying for an encore. I can hear them, giving their all to have us back onstage.

How much of what I think that is holding me back is real, what reasons are really left that are manacling me?

How about I just leave? I pull my shaking self so close to the micro-stand that my forehead leans against the cool metal, pulling myself close with a desperation as if it was the buoy that might keep me from drowning.

Don’t let me drown.

Silence. And still, the crowd is shouting and clapping, stomping and whistling. So different from our fans back home… Silence.

Broken by a sigh that is fluttering from my lips like a scorched butterfly.

Don’t fucking do this to me.

Don’t let him fucking do this to you. Everything was grand until he took you for granted.

Everything was grand until he took me for granted. He said he’d never take me for granted. Because I was special. He said that he knows I’ve been hurt. Too much. He said he wants to be my shelter. My one escape when everything comes down around me. He said he wants to be everything I ever wanted him to be. He told me so many things.

Didn’t I already know at that time when we shared our first, sweet kiss that it wasn’t going to end sweet. That time, when I just sat there, hanging my head for no reason at all, and you knew. You just stood there and smiled. And suddenly your hand was under my chin, your cool, soft hand, lifting it up and making me look into your hazel eyes. Gods, those eyes. I’ve never met anyone before you that could hold so much, so many emotions, in their eyes. I could gaze into them forever, and never get bored. It’s weird but… that’s just the way they are, your eyes. You smiled, then, and before I knew, those ever-pouting lips were pressed against mine, softly, grazing, tasting, so gentle. I closed my eyes, that time, and a smile crept up over the corners of my lips.

That time, I had closed my eyes for the truth, I guess.

Everything you told me. Everything you told, nothing but a crimson lie.

A sudden, clattering noise makes me open my eyes abruptly as my heart-rate goes up, fearing someone might have found me but… it’s just the micro that fell from my trembling hands. Somehow I must have shoved it out of its clamp.

I blink against the blackness before me. Silence.

I know that those voices I hear are nothing but phantoms. Phantoms that spook in my head, and my head only. We didn’t even have a live today. We will, tomorrow. We would, tomorrow.

I sigh, and lean down to pick it up. Stare at it. Turn it in my hands. Maybe it’s broken?

Maybe tomorrow, when they get here, wondering about the little note I left them, wondering when I’ll show up… wondering why the micro that worked so well the day before suddenly was broken.

No… I won’t leave a note.

I’ll just… why can’t I just… disappear.

You told me that I was the one you cared most for. And now every little sign of affection that you show seems like… a puppet’s. Ra ra rara… And what about the little box you had left for me one night? I don’t even know why I was so excited to find it. Maybe… maybe because it was something. I craved for anything. Just more than nothing. And then that box. I opened it and… just blackness in it. I stared, and stared, trying to make some sense out of it. You never left anything for me with a meaning not obvious. I stared, and my heart missed out a beat, and your mocking voice reverberated in the room. Though you weren’t even there.

Don’t fucking give me nothing. Anything but nothing…

I blink lazily and turn my head to stare… at more nothingness. Why can’t it just… end.

Another trembling sigh, and I put the mic back into its stand, want to let go off it but… Somehow, my fingers won’t let go. Just somehow, I still cling to it, though I’m ready to leave, now I really feel that I am, and they cling, as if it was my life, that micro, I cling, shaking, trembling and… my eyes’ gaze drop and fall onto your beautiful Hellion’s strings. And suddenly… a smile crawls over my lips. One of those tiny, demonic smiles.

Oh, I know I haven’t been smiling for weeks. But now I am. Because… isn’t it ironic? After all… after all this time, the first and last who will make me smile is you. Because…

The numbness in my limbs disappears just like the cold the drowning man feels before he’s dying… Yes. I let go of the micro, my micro, and walk over to your guitar. Stroke the neck, with so much affection in one single motion, it hurts. It’s agonizing, and I don’t even know why now, suddenly, after all the coldness and numbness I still can feel … love.

My knees bend and I pull her close, my hand gliding over her body as if it was yours, as if tonight was one of the sultry nights we’d shared, or sweaty bodies entangled in each other, our hands grazing each others skins, me, gazing into your eyes forever and… Slowly, my index finger runs down each of the six silver strings.

I grin humorless as I look back to the micro-stand.

My face… It’s just a mask. An imperfect mask for it’s moving too much, I… try to ignore that there seems to be something wet on my cheek as I start plucking the strings from your Hellion, slowly, solemnly, concentrating on one after the other.

Isn’t it ironic? I just got this perfect idea of how to… of how to… disappear. The only thing that has given me life, us, now becoming what will give me… What… the stand… wedged in over there… together with those lovely strings… what… rara… ra… what they’ll do… ra ra… I can… just put them together and… rara… little box with nothing but blackness inside… you’re me… you’re me… you’re.. me…

I shake the sudden dizziness off me with a nod of my head. No, I won’t leave a note.

I will just… leave.

I get up and stare down at your raped lovely black instrument. I wonder what you’ll see first. Her, or me. And what you’ll look at for longer. Her, or me.

No. I won’t even say good-bye.

My right clutches the strings as I walk back to where I’d just been, and grab the micro-stand, not caring that yet again, the mic clatters down. Who will care tomorrow anyway. You, surely not. You never cared. Never.

Setting things up, I sing. Maybe because it’s the only thing I really can do, after all. I couldn’t keep your love… I never was able to keep anyone’s love, I guess just because you were the only one who seemed to be able to keep mine, I thought it wouldn’t matter… nothing is worth anything but your love.

I try to fight back the tears in my eyes, knowing I can’t I give in, and sounds start to echo in the hall that would wrench a stone’s heart. Maybe, a stone’s. But it’s worth nothing if it can’t make you feel.

No good-bye. It’s all done. In the end, my hands even stopped shaking. Even my feet have, as I step on the unsteady stool that actually belongs to the drum set.

I wince lightly at the feel of the strings around my neck. They feel so cold… I imagine them being your slim, gentle fingers as the stool gives in. No wonder Kai fell off it…


I will just… leave.


Thank you for reading. I don't really know what happened that yet again I wrote a fic of the kind I despise don't like. I guess I blacked-out too... I'm not even sure I want to post it.

But since you made it until here, please comment, ne ^ ^

Fanfiction Archive
29th-Mar-2008 01:00 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm sorry.
I totally forgot I wasn't logged in again.

Well, anyway.
I was mis-ter anonymous before me. :>
29th-Mar-2008 06:18 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your comment(s), mis-ter anonymous. There's rarely anything better you could find on waking up than a positive comment on a fic <3 [the rather slim chance of finding the Jrocker of your dreams next to you not taken into account]

That is interesting that you found a connection with an Evanescene song. I guess I should check it out ~.^ I could be wrong, but there might have been someone else who also got reminded of a song by them when reading an other fic of mine.

Really, thank you very much. Your comment means a lot to me.

I'm sorry it made it worse <3

Feel free to read my other fics. The link to my socalled archive is under the fic, ne ^_^ There aren't as many there yet but... the list will grow ^^
29th-Mar-2008 03:45 am (UTC)
That was the reason, ne?

Gods, I haven't been to any site on LJ beside my own blog.
Before leaving I simply wanted to check some blogs and found .... this.

It's great, somehow, you know.
But it's .... no words for it.

Don't know when I realized 「虚無の終わり 箱詰めの黙示」 in it, but it didn't take me that long.
It even took me a little bit longer to realize, that the song was playing.

I don't know, I have no words, everything is empty, black and cold. So just the way I feel all night.

Some parts feel like a mirror even though I never experienced things this way.
Nevertheless it feels so... so... real. Not just reading. Not even if he himself had written it as a true fact.

29th-Mar-2008 06:24 am (UTC)
I wrote it while you signed on, I was done and went through some other things to gain some ... distance maybe, when you started to talk to me. It was at least some part of the reason, or the 'Filter', or... just something.

No coincidence...

Maybe it feels real cause some part of it are 'real'?

Does the fic make you experience things like you haven't before?

I'm sorry. I have to give you some positive Uruki. Don't know why I'm doing ... things like that...

29th-Mar-2008 01:21 pm (UTC)
No coincidence, more some kinda fate?

Felt down from the beginning of today last night, kept it, even though it got a bit better and went to bed accompanied by this feeling, although the story was just a little part of it. So this was no cause for it. This has been done by my Babies.

Don't know, I still don't have any clear thoughts when I'm thinking about it.

I know you will. And I understand, I only wrote two stories on my own and one of those had a dark mood as well, although the end was a little better, at least kinda positive. Just because I can't do things like this.

29th-Mar-2008 04:34 pm (UTC)
Let's call it predetermination.

(Thanks for having faith in me)

29th-Mar-2008 04:55 pm (UTC)
(Why shouldn't I?)
29th-Mar-2008 11:15 am (UTC)
Heartbreaking, really. Not a lot of information is given but the emotions that are present are just right. Thank you for sharing, it certainly left an impact on me.
29th-Mar-2008 04:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you for commenting. It means much to me that something I hadn't even meant to write still leaves an impact.

29th-Mar-2008 12:56 pm (UTC)
This was.. beautiful and still.. really sad.
29th-Mar-2008 04:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Thank you very much. ♥
18th-Oct-2009 04:18 pm (UTC)
Man, I really need a bigger vocabulary, I can't think of anything to say besides this was really amazing & made my cold Sunday feel a tad better =)

PS- I just noticed that I'm over a year late in reading this, glad I found another gem on LJ, I love reading great pieces that have been around for a while, makes me feel like a pirate finding loot or something ^_^
18th-Oct-2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
*laughs* Oh well. These words are enough to make My Sunday feel better~

Over a year late? Oh Gods... it's almost been that long I actually was in a writing state? Sheesh. O-o' Really gotta get into it again. *smiles*
Feel free to check out my other fics, if you liked this tiny-short-drabble-ish (should comment once I'm fully conscious and aware of what fic we're actually talking about 8D) fic :3
Thank you~ I like the idea of a pirate XD (and I often felt the same way *laughs*)

Edited at 2009-10-18 08:31 pm (UTC)
Roaded on May 25th 2018, 1:34 am GMT.